Summa-Summa-Summa-Time: Chest Hair On the Beach

August 15, 2011 by comelookatmychesthair

Due primarily to 100%-for-real-manmade-global-warming, summer is, without a doubt, the most wretched of the four seasons.

It’s painful. It literally hurts to go outside during the peak hours. It causes cancer all over your exposed skin. Are you a fan of your skin? Yes or no, say goodbye to it if you enjoy being in the blazing hot, skin-blistering sunshine of summer. Even if you’re an incredibly lucky individual and don’t contract a lick of cancer, you will get burned, and your moist, disgusting skin-flakes will fall right off your body (which your dog will then eat off the floor).

The 1991 documentary about the perils of summer, Terminator 2

Did you know there are people out there who genuinely refer to summer as their favorite season? ‘Summer. Favorite. Season.’ Just try to imagine those words in the same sentence. Over fall, winter, and spring! Okay, fine, so you hate winter because you’re a delicate young lady with delicate little baby toes/ fingers/ cheeks/ genitalia, but that doesn’t explain why summer deserves top billing over fall and spring! That doesn’t explain why sweating is preferable to not.

(My theory is that these people just look bad in jeans. Occam’s Razor, man. )

Long story short: Summer unequivocally sucks really bad, worse and worse, year after year. And the only means to escape the heat and pain of the sun bearing down on you like a sweaty, 200-ton assholeburger is to rip the shirt off your back and bare your bare (except for the hair!) chest to the world. Preferably in the shade somewhere, but some people like to be on nude beaches or in water or whatever. To each his/her own, I guess.

To celebrate this time-honored tradition of escaping the heat by taking off your shirt and chest-hairing it up, here’s the summer-related chest hair feature you’ve all been waiting for — Summa-Summa-Summa-Time: Chest Hair On the Beach!

Smileys :) for chest hair, frownies :( for none or nearly none:

   Quality Chest Hairs

                         Two smiley faces for two chest-hair-havers

   Sad Chest Hair

                   One frowny face for one microscopic-peach-fuzz-haver

    Some Quality, Some Not So Quality Chest Hairs

                                               Self-Explanatory

The following chest hair on the beach may or may not belong to Caldwell Tanner of Loldwell and College Humor fame (come on, you can’t fake this sort of resemblance):

          Caldwell Tanner Chest Hair

And one more for good measure:

   Caldwell Tanner Chest Hair Close-Up

I call the next one "My Girlfriend’s Uncle’s Chest Hair (On the Beach)":

             My Girlfriend's Uncle's Chest Hair

                                    (Subtitle: "Not Just a Clever Name!")

No chest hair feature would be complete without at least one Sean Connery photo, so here are several:

What a white-haired freak of nature that is on the right there

And last of all, what I believe to be the main event of this feature: "Superhero Chest Hair!" (click to enlarge!):

Superhero Chest Hair

Batman head courtesy of Cameron Stewart, Spider-Man head courtesy of Stuart Immonen, The Flash head courtesy of Alex Ross, and Wolverine head courtesy of Marko Djurdjevic.

Three of the four above chest hairs have appeared on this blog since its inception back in May of 2010. Let’s see if you can guess which superhero chest hair matches which previously-posted chest hair blog-post.

Fill in the blank:

        

  1. ________________________________
  2. ________________________________
  3. ________________________________
  4. ________________________________

Remember, ONE of these chest-hair-havers has never had his chest hair on Come Look At My Chest Hair. If you guess correctly as to whose chest hairs are whose, I will give you recognition and/or respect (or perhaps a third option that I’ve yet to come up with). Your choice! If you don’t guess at all, well — whatever, man. No skin off my back. Just don’t come up to me thirty years into the future crying about how you’ll always regret not participating.

So where the fuck are your chest hairs on the beach, people? SEND ME YOUR BEACH-BASED CHEST HAIRS, PLEASE. There’s only so much time until hell-season’s over, so you better get a move on. Also, I’m running dangerously low on chest hair picture submissions that aren’t my own, so, you know, if you could help me out with some content to commentate on, I’d be quite grateful.

See you where the chest hair meets the land.



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