January 3, 2011 by comelookatmychesthair
It’s a fact — a fact, I say — that everybody worth their weight in baby limbs loves Top Ten blog-posts almost as much as they do chest hair. So, naturally, everybody everywhere should super duper doubly fucking love this Top Ten blog-post about chest hair.
Keep in mind, this is not a Top Ten for the chest hairs that have appeared solely upon this, the foremost expert chest hair website on the Internet. (Not necessarily, anyway.) This is a Top 10 Chest Hairs of All Time!!! list for all the chest hairs in the world, alive, dead, or yet unborn.
To quote Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park: “Hold on t’yer butts.”
#10. Alec Baldwin
The only reason Alec Baldwin appears so low on this list is because, quite frankly, there is such a thing as too much chest hair. Baldwin is right on the edge of that motherfucker. Teetering. Threatening to leap into the pit of Robin-Williams-esque overgrowth without so much as a safety net to catch him. I swear to god, if he had a single solitary additional hair adorning that chest of his, he’d be unbearable to look at.
Indeed, any chest hair aficionado will tell you that the quality of the chest hair far outweighs the quantity. Which isn’t to say that quantity isn’t important, it’s just — it ain’t the be-all, end-all, that’s all. Still, it’s worth noting that you could literally fall into Alec Baldwin’s chest hair and never find your way out again — like that hedge maze at the end of Harry Potter 4 — and that’s gotta be worth something, right?
#9. Jason Statham
This is some chest hair after my own heart. By which I mean, it sort of reminds me of my own chest hair, if slightly less awesome. What English actor and ex-Olympian Jason Statham lacks in hair atop his gigantic English crown, he more than makes up for in hair all over his sternum. Some people wonder why Statham is so successful as a cinematic action hero, what with his male pattern baldness and all.
It’s a good question! Few men have ever been paid millions upon millions of dollars to play make believe once their hairlines begin to recede.The only other gentlemen who’ve done it, so far as I’m aware, are Bruce Fucking Willis and Sean Motherfucking Connery. And do you know why they’ve succeeded as actors, in spite of this head hair deficiency? It’s because they had magnificent chest hair packages to distract the general viewing public from their head hair handicap. FACT. Now, speaking of Bruce Fucking Willis…
#8. Matt Lauer
Whoops! Sorry, that’s not Bruce WIllis up there at all, is it? Truth is, I considered (very briefly!) placing Willis at #8, but then I got a good look at some pictures of his chest hair. I’ll be honest: They weren’t exactly blowing my mind. I mean, to be fair, the guy has plenty of chest hair for a normal human male. He has much more chest hair than the average fellow, in fact. But there’s no way in hell John McClane deserves to be in front of, say, Kim Basinger’s ex-husband or Guy Ritchie’s Robert Deniro on the Top Ten Chest Hairs of All Time!!! list.
So instead, I, uhh…I guess I’ll just go with Matt Lauer, who went shirtless on the beach that one time several years ago. It was a big to-do in the tabloids, if you recall.
#7. Chris Evans
Chris Evans doesn’t get enough credit for his plentiful chest hair. Sadly, the filmmaking “geniuses” behind the next Captain America movie — coming out next year, if you care — shaved the shit out of his body because I guess blonde people don’t have chest hair or something.
#6. Burt Reynolds
Burt Reynolds is disgusting. Straight up. It makes me ill on the inside just to look at him and his incredibly unfortunate man-flesh. He’s got a giant forehead. He has a massive, caveman-looking face. He has beady, black holes where his eyes ought to be. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? It’s a miracle that he was ever considered a movie star, but if there’s one thing the movie Magnolia taught me, it’s that some things truly are inexplicable.
Having said all that, Reynolds’ chest hair circa Deliverance was pretty fucking astounding. Trust me, I wish it weren’t so. There’s nothing I abhor more than having to award Burt Reynolds the much-coveted #6 spot on this list. Alas, the chest hairs have chosen. Congratulations, Burt, you wig-wearing bitch.
Some people say Wolverine is just a comic book character. To them I say, is a Snickers just a chocolate bar? Is William Taft just the fattest president who ever lived?
FYI, Frank Quitely drew the above pictures, and Frank Quitely, regardless of how much or how little chest hair he has, is a legendary artiste.
#4. Tom Selleck
Tom Selleck made Hawaii cool again in Magnum P.I. Was it the awesome red car? Was it the detective work or whatever the hell he did on that show? Was it Higgins, his butler (was Higgins his butler)? No. It was his chest hair. His chest hair single-handedly made Hawaii cool again. It’s true! Back in the ’80s, the governor of Hawaii was gonna have to shut the whole state down because everybody had forgotten that it even existed. (They used to call it “The poor man’s Alaska.” Swear to god.) Then Magnum P.I. hit the airwaves and all anybody ever wanted to talk about was Hawaii this and Hawaii that.
Thank you, Tom Selleck’s chest hair. Thank you for single-handedly saving Hawaii from the pit of obscurity. If it weren’t for you, we may not have ever had the Jurassic Park movie, which was filmed in Hawaii. And if we had never had a Jurassic Park movie, how in god’s name would I have made that hilarious Jurassic Park/Samuel L. Jackson reference at the beginning of this blog-post?
#3. Mark Twain
Who knew that, in addition to writing some of the greatest American novels of all time, Mark Twain had some of the greatest American chest hairs of all time? Not I, until I randomly (by which I mean, purposefully and for this website) searched “celebrity chest hair” and came upon this awesome, honest-to-god picture of a shirtless Mark Twain.
There are a bunch of fantastic things worth mentioning about this photo. First of all, Mark Twain’s mustache is practically punching me in the face. THROUGH the picture. Secondly, Mark Twain is more buff than I am. This was before they even had weight machines! And lastly, but definitely not leastly, Mark Twain’s chest hair is almost — I repeat, ALMOST — as top-notch as mine. Not quite, Mark Twain. Nice try, buddy. Speaking of…
#2. YOURS TRULY
I don’t think my chest hair needs any description, as it defies description. Plus, I’d rather just let you look and look and look at my chest hair to your heart’s content than distract you with a bunch of clever words describing how beautiful it is. Honestly, the only thing worth saying here is that my chest hair, in all its glory, is second only to…
#1. Sean Motherfucking Connery!!!
As if there were any other way for this list to end? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sean Connery is the only man alive or dead to ever sport a Defcon-1 Sean Connery (which is the #1 type of a chest hair ever for those not in the know). His chest hair is — literally, metaphorically, and otherwise — The Tree of Life, sprouting out from his abdomen and blossoming up like the devil’s fingers all throughout his chest-pate.
Legend says that from his breast-follicles springs youth eternal. Which is why, when he dies (god forbid!), I will ravenously consume his body, but especially his chest hair, in hopes that I can gain some of his awesome chest hair powers. It’s the only way to be #1…
Live long and chest hair.